Underneath This Smile
by Pandora of Ithilien
Summary: A songfic in which Sam thinks about her feelings for Jack. Spoilers for Threads, In the Line of Duty, Divide & Conquer, and Entity. Part 1 of 2


Disclaimer: SG1 belongs to SciFi, Gekko, Mr. Greenburg, and anyone I forgot. The song Underneath This Smile belongs to Hilary Duff and whoever wrote the song.

Hey guys! Here's something for all you Jack/Sam shippers out there. A song fic from Sam's POV. A companion piece from Jack's POV will follow – when I find the right song.

_What I'm standing on is sinking in_

_And I don't have a clue_

_How to get off of it_

She'd broken it off with Pete, but why? Because she...what? Loved Jack? She _couldn't_

love Jack; he was her CO, for God's sake! Samantha Carter realized she was in a real

mess, and for once, being a 'genius' couldn't help her.

_But when I look at you there is hope_

_It's like you see the sadness in my eyes_

_You read the blue between the lines_

_You could be the one to hold me when I wanna cry_

He'd always been there for her. She'd never asked him for the favor, but at some point

he'd chosen to be her rock, and on some level, she'd accepted. When her dad had died,

he'd sat with her, just there in case she needed someone to lean on. Every time she'd

woken in the infirmary, he'd been sitting or standing next to her, waiting. When Jolinar

had taken her, after the incident with the alien entity, and once she'd gotten back from the

_Prometheus_ accident, always, he'd been there. Only when he too was a captive of the

doctors was he not there, and even then, he checked on her as soon as he was able.

Beyond that, he understood her. He _saw_ her. Not Scientist Samantha or Soldier Carter, but all of it together and the woman behind that. Just Sam. Even Pete had never done that.

Narim hadn't either, and certainly Jonas hadn't. But all of that meant...what? Daniel

understood her too, yet it didn't feel like it was the same way as Jack seemed to. But that

could be explained by the fact that Jack was the type to have totally different layers too... couldn't it?

_Underneath this smile_

_My world is slowly caving in_

_All the while_

_I'm hanging on _

_'Cause that is all I know_

_Could you be the one to save me_

_From every bad habit that has helped me dig this hole_

_I've been hiding out for miles_

_Underneath this smile_

She kept denying it. They were both military and she was under his command. It had

always been her excuse and it _was_ legitimate. She'd clung to that fact in the zay'tarc room,

depended on it when Dr. Carter from the other dimension showed up, and she'd forced

herself to remember it when he'd been frozen by the Ancient weapon. At this point,

though, she had begun to see that the regs might be the only thing keeping them apart. After all, she was no longer engaged and he and Kerry had split up. So maybe...but the regs were still a factor. But maybe they weren't as important as she'd once thought.

_I have walked this earth with broken bones_

_I've been keeping secrets under all these lights_

_But when you're around my defenses go_

_You don't let me run away from you_

_You don't let me twist and turn the truth_

_It feels as if I'm naked when you're standing in the room_

All this time, she'd steadfastly refused to admit a thing...except during the zay'tarc incident, but she'd been under mind control there, and on the Prometheus, but

there she'd been somewhat delusional, so those times really didn't count. Still, even in the real world, she knew she had to say something. Each time she saw him, all of her carefully erected barriers fell. To cover it, she used as much complicated scientific jargon as possible. Without fail, that kind of talk led to an annoyed command of "In _English_,

Carter!" Sam smiled. She'd always found it funny that the language she understood best

was so confusing to him. And her work helped her hide. Jack was always trying to get

her out of the lab, telling her she needed to get a life. These days work was even more of

a refuge, as she struggled with emotions she shouldn't feel. He was too busy now to bug

her much, which was good. If he was there, she might well lose all control.

_Underneath this smile_

_My world is slowly caving in_

_All the while I'm hanging on_

_Instead of letting go_

_Could you be the one to save me_

_From every bad habit that has helped me dig this hole_

_I've been hiding out too long_

_Underneath this smile_

No more. She'd almost told him at his house, feeling desperate and scared. She felt the same now, and knew this was it. She was going insane living this...this _lie_. If she didn't say something, she'd die, she thought, of total emotional overload. She couldn't keep pretending. So, she took a deep breath and opened her lab door. Jack O'Neill stood there, hand poised to knock. "Hey, Carter. Can I talk to you?" he asked. "Sure," she replied.

Oh-no, she thought, what does he want? I wasn't ready, I needed the walk to calm down. I can't handle this!

_What I'm standing on is sinking in_

A/N: Yeah, I know, Sam's tougher than this normally, but I doubt anyone can stay calm in a situation like this.


End file.
